


sweetheart, what have you done to us?

by acesam



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Depression, Gen, Mental Illness, hinted self harm, hinted suicide, major character death is Kieren's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 18:38:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1909500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acesam/pseuds/acesam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The bond between a brother and sister is an unbelievably strong thing, sometimes even stronger than death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sweetheart, what have you done to us?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I wanted to write this, I am cruel. Hopefully I didn't portray depression too wrong, I don't have a mental illness but my whole family is filled with depression cases so I based this on that.  
> I posted this on tumblr first (under another title, but I really thought this deserved a Keaton Henson title). I will probably just post all drabbles from tumblr on here.

Jem is 9 and Kieren is her best friend. He’s just so smart, she can’t imagine ever being as smart as him. His hair is fluffy and really ginger and she’s a little jealous he got the sunshine colour while she got brown.

 

He’s also an artist. His favorite artist’s Van Gogh and she doesn’t know who that is but sometimes he will show her his favorite paintings.

 

He’s currently trying to scribble something into his sketchbook but Jem just keeps asking questions.

 

"Why’s your hair so orange?"

 

"Dunno. DNA, I guess."

 

"What’s DNO?" Her face is all serious, the litte nose wrinkled and the word leaves her mouth with a little difficulty. His face lightens up a little at that.

 

"It’s the part of your body that knows all the answers. Like what kind of hair colour you’ll have or how small or big you will be."

 

"Do I have DNO too?" This time he smiles, big and wide and she smiles along. He’s her brother, after all, her favorite person in the whole world (but she can’t tell dad that because dad will get jealous).

 

Kieren ruffles her hair a little before saying: “Yeah, everyone does. Mum and dad do, too.”

 

"Does dad have the same one as me?" A thought crosses her mind and it’s not even a second before she speaks up again. "I don’t wanna turn out like dad, he wears weird clothes and has grey hair!"

 

He stops drawing to shake his head back and laugh while Jem just anxiously waits for him to answer. “Don’t worry about that.”

 

 

//

 

 

Jem is 10 and Kieren doesn’t smile as much any more. She knows mum and dad are worried, she knows they want to make him better but don’t know how. She doesn’t know either. She wants to, though, and asks him why he’s so sad once they have a little privacy. He just shrugs and she almost can’t make out his answer because the pillow he put his face into makes it harder to understand at first.

 

"Just tired, Jem. It has nothing to do with you or mom or dad, it’s just … the way I am. Sometimes I just get a little … sad."

 

"Why’re you sad, then?"

 

He looks up at her, irritated, but stops once he sees the expression on her face. She looks frightened, but she also looks determined to fix it, whatever _it_ is. “Look, Jem … I ….” His hands gesture around the room and she _does_ look (just like mum did, just like dad did), but still she comes up with nothing. “Sometimes, people just get sick. They get sick and then they get better and that’s it. Nothing to crack your head up for, little sis.” He knocks on his own head but the joke falls flat, mostly because his body looks like it’s reacting too slow, like he’s trying to walk through a field of jelly with shackles on. His smile's too slow, too. This is probably the first time she really starts to worry about her brother.

 

"So you’re sick?"

 

The answer unleashes something in him, something that makes him breathe heavily through his nose and turns his body uncomfortably still. “Yes.” The word takes a little time to move its way out of his mouth and once it does he crunches his teeth together, like even saying it gives him a sour taste in his mouth. It has the same effect for her, too.

 

//

 

 

Kieren gets funny looking pills while she’s 11 and she keeps asking him if they taste good. He says no, medicine never tastes good, but it’s fine once you swallow it down. It’s fine.

 

His mum’s always there to watch him swallow it, every morning. If she can’t do it dad’s there, just as watchful and with a cheerful expression on his face. He pats Kieren’s back after, tells him "Good job, son". It’s fine.

 

She guesses this means he’s getting better.

 

//

 

Kieren’s better, but he’s not fine. She just knows, he can’t hide the constant sad expression on his face as much as he wants to. Every morning she wakes him up, asks him if he feels better, if he wants something, anything. Fine, fine, he’s fine and no, he doesn’t want anything he’s not hungry, thanks.

 

Him and dad fight a lot these days. Jem only knows that mum and dad make him see a doctor, a doctor to make him stop being sick, but Kieren doesn’t want to. He doesn’t need a doctor and he doesn’t need pills and _if they really want him gone so bad why won’t they just ship him off?_

 

They sometimes get so loud Jem has to hide in her closet to block out the angry words. Kieren always finds her after, always apologizes and hugs her, reassures her everything’s fine, dad’s just angry. If she tenses a little under his touch he pretends not to notice.

 

//

 

She doesn’t know Rick that much, but Kieren’s face always lights up once he sees him. Rick makes him leave the house, Rick makes him visit the pub and talk with others. Rick makes Kieren happy, so Jem likes him.

 

Rick’s dad, on the other hand.

 

One time he’s outside their house, stubbornly trying to fight his way through her dad, yelling the whole neighbourhood awake. Jem sits next to Kieren on his bed, taking his hand and rubbing it between her own when she sees his face whiten and the way he inhales and exhales almost completely motionless, like a robot. (Kieren does a lot of things like a robot lately) They sit there and let words like goddamn fairy or pills or therapy just wash over them.

 

//

 

On the day of Jem’s 14 birthday party it’s hot out and Kieren wears long sleeves. He keeps playing with them absently and it makes mum and dad angry that he won’t change into something else but at least he’s not still. At least he’s out of bed, moving.

 

Jem doesn’t think she’s ever seen him this relaxed. He even hugs her after she slices the cake.

 

"You feelin’ better?" she asks him after and he smiles at her, like he saw that one coming.

 

"Yeah, I’m good." His eyes flicker over his covered wrists and she pretends not to notice, convinces herself it’s nothing. "I’m meeting Rick later, actually. After the party."

 

"Why isn’t he coming here, then?" Kieren just shrugs and it doesn’t really matter that much. They both know why he can’t.

 

//

 

Rick goes to Afghanistan and sometimes there are days where Kieren won’t even leave his room.

 

She keeps telling him that soon he’ll be graduating anyway, off to go wherever he wants. Then Rick can come with him and it’ll be fine. It’ll _be_ fine, Kieren, it’s not like he’ll be there forever.

 

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. The Walker house nowadays is like stepping into a big void, like getting into a dark, dark tunnel and not seeing a way out. They’re always on edge, always ready for the other shoe to drop.

 

//

 

It does drop, after about 3 months. Rick dies in battle and Kieren won’t even speak to anyone any more. Jem spends her free time after school sitting on the floor and leaning against Kieren’s door. She tells him anything at all, like how she thinks she’s gonna colour her hair if mum will let her, or how a boy at school pushed her into a locker and she punched him in the crotch for it, or how this girl at school got her first boyfriend and okay, maybe she’s a _little_ jealous.

 

He doesn’t exactly tell her, but she thinks it helps.

 

//

 

The day she comes home from school to find Kieren’s door wide open, the bed unmade and the curtains open, she breathes out the air she’s been holding in ever since she was 10, relieved. Maybe he’s at the cemetery, or in the woods where him and Rick used to meet. He’s out, though, out in broad daylight and it feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

 

The thought that he might be in trouble doesn’t occur to her, only after dad searches the whole town does she start to worry. She tells him about this place in the woods, about how he’s probably there and just wants to get away from it all for a while.

 

She doesn’t go with him, doesn’t look forward to the fight that will surely happen. She’s not that worried, after all Kieren’s finally better.

 

Her brother’s fine.

**Author's Note:**

> come chat with/yell at me at my tumblr: acesam.tumblr.com


End file.
